This summer I turn thirty, and I’m surprisingly really excited about it. At thirty I’m finally confident in my body, at thirty I don’t care about pleasing everyone, and most importantly at thirty, I know my worth. I mean don’t get me wrong it took me a long time to get here. You don’t just wake up overnight and all of a sudden value yourself. It’s almost like this was what I been working on my whole life. Self-love.
But as I reach this milestone, there is something still missing. Do you wanna know what it is? Okay, I guess I’ll tell you.I have never been in love before. Ugh, I know I sound like a Drew Barrymore movie. But It’s true, I turn 30 in a few months and never been head over heels in love with anyone. Don’t get me wrong I have been obsessed with people. I have fallen in many obsessing, but being obsessed and in love are two very different things.
I have had many of what I like to call “situations.” What is a situation you may ask? Don’t worry; I am here to tell you, a situation is someone you are in a relationship as long as no-one says its one. As soon as you have “the talk” BAM, everything is ruined. For whatever reason, these guys don’t want to commit. You can’t help but blame yourself, they just don’t want to date you.
Recently Bree asked us to all write about our dating now and then. My first thought was, am I exempt from this? My dating then is the same as my now. What am I going to write about a bunch of guys who would never commit to me? Even the thought of that made me feel terrible.
So here I am almost 30 and never been in a real relationship. Don’t feel bad for me; trust me I’m okay. It took awhile to get here. People who have been in relationships don’t understand what its like to be alone. We all know that saying “ They come when you least expect it. “ Enjoy the journey” and my most favorite “ you have to love yourself, and then they will come.” Ugh, just shut up already. I do love myself or at least I think I do. I like myself; I would love myself more in a relationship. And that’s the problem, This whole time I put being in a relationship as being loved that if you are loved by someone then you have worth.
But that’s far from the truth. We all have worth and once you value yourself than others can. When you use someone to fill a void, you are not getting to the root of the problem, just hiding from it. And here I am, my whole life chasing men who mirror me. They are all scared of being in love, they too don’t value their own worth. They feel they can’t be in love because they are scared they aren’t good enough to keep them. Is this relation from going to therapy or many years of calling psychics? I’ll let you decide.
Yes, I want a relationship, and I am jealous at times that I never been in one before. I want all the things. To force someone to sit through my family Christmas, text them none stop with dumb annoying things, they will have to listen to me talk about healing crystals, and whoever that person is will love every min of it. But in the meantime, I am whole without them, and when they do come in, I will be ready . I mean universe if you want to bring him in soon that would be great too.
Are there any Tall Sisters that can relate? Please share your experience in the comments.